Friday, October 29, 2010

Really, can we finally get past this?

Imagine my excitement when I read that Heliconia Press was launching something called Paddling TV. Here's the press release if you like that sort of stuff:


I guess not surprisingly sea kayaking is part of this as the imaginatively named Sea Kayaking TV. I found it at YouTube. Here's a link:


Of course I ran right over there and started checking things out. Wow, sea kayaking on TV! Sort of. It's really on the web so calling it TV is, strictly speaking, wrong. But whatever, right? It's video stuff about sea kayaking! Maybe they'll be covering expeditions and expeditioners! Or different paddling destinations around the world! Excited, as I say.

I was a little disappointed to see that, at least for now, it's just a bunch of short instructional videos. Sigh. Oh well, maybe they'll do some of that culture and community stuff in the future. I don't know about you, but I have a fairly hard time learning from a video. I do have a few instructional videos. And I've probably picked up a tip or two from them. But without some form of feedback, be it another human or just  me feeling the water, I really don't learn very much.  But whatever. It's Sea Kayaking TV! It's a start and the cool stuff will be coming! Excited, as I say.

Anyway, what the heck, being I was there I decided I might as well take a look at some of this stuff. Just to sort of get a whiff of the operation. The one I chose was called Re-entering a Sit-Inside Kayak - Part 1. I got to watch an advertisement about something but it had bike polo in it, so that's way cool. And then some guy named, evidently, Ken Whiting came on screen and started talking. Good screen presence I thought. I like his delivery and stuff. I'm not a professional critic or anything BTW.

So I'm watching this video and, not surprisingly, it's pretty basic. It's about getting into your boat after all. But it's saying things like, "...your first job as a swimmer is to keep hold of all of your gear...", which is totally reasonable. It talked about air bags, and some other stuff that I thought was, again, totally reasonable. Which is great because really getting back in your boat is really not a particularly contentious topic is it? Well, at least I thought so. I got to the 1:37 mark in the video and basically started throwing up. Why don't you go take a look. Pay attention at the 1:37 mark especially. Keep your bucket close at hand. Go, I'll wait...

Right, so did you notice anything wrong? I did. How about this. Wrong. It was wrong. Here's one definition of wrong from the web:

incorrect: not correct; not in conformity with fact or truth; "an incorrect calculation"; "the report in the paper is wrong"; "your information is wrong"; "the clock showed the wrong time"; "found themselves on the wrong road"; "based on the wrong assumptions"


Let's review a couple of errors:


"...identify the bow of the upside down kayak...". Wrong. First step, tell the swimmer to flip their boat. This is so all of those handy dandy deck lines and toggles and easy grabby things are there for you to grab.

"...make their way to the bow of the rescuers boat...". Wrong. When in conditions the ends of a boat are the most dangerous places to be. They are relatively pointy and experience the greatest potential for movement as opposed to, say, the area around the cock pit. Which is where the swimmer should be.

"...they should go to the stern of their kayak where they can press down on the back of the boat...". Wrong. See above. Also, if the swimmer loses contact with the boat they are now rather a far way away. Oh, and have you ever actually tried to pull a boat onto your deck to empty it with someone on the back? How about a full boat?

"...the rescuer will hold the bow of the kayak...". Wrong. Because what the video is showing is the rescuer lifting up the bow of the boat. Now don't talk to me about the swimmer is pushing down and all that happy horse shit. First, I defy you to lift the bow of a boat loaded with a weeks provisions. Go ahead, try. Second, why do you want to lift the bow? Why expose yourself to a potential injury in conditions that knocked someone else over? There's a better way.

Really, haven't we gotten past teaching this method by now? It's slow, it's incredibly inefficient and in conditions, where you will most likely need it, it's dangerous. So here's a tip. If you want to take a beginning class, before you sign up, ask what the steps are in a T-Rescue. It doesn't matter that you might not understand the reply. Just understand this. If the person on the other end of the phone/email/text/whatever says, at any point, "and then the swimmer pushes down on the end of the boat", hang up and go seek competent instruction. You'll probably have a better time, you'll be more likely to stay with the sport and I'll be happier.

Push down on the end of the boat. Jesus.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Yoga or Drown

I've been futzing about with something called a balance brace. Sometimes it's called, apparently, a static brace. Here's a picture just so it's clear what I'm talking about:


That's not me by the way. You can tell it's not me because I can't do that. If that was me there would be several differences:

  1. I would have a real paddle not a flat stick
  2. I wouldn't have that little wood thing on my deck because I'll (probably) never hunt seals
  3. My face would be about 3 inches under water and I'd be drowning

So, like I said, I've been fooling about with this balance brace thing trying to get it because it looks cool and, no need to tell you I'm sure,  looking cool on the water is a strong motivator to do more or less purposeless things with ones boat and body. But despite my motivation I can't get it. I think I'm in the proper position. I'm definitely on the side of the boat like that. I think my back is flat. The only thing I can guess is wrong is that I don't have the boat far enough off of me to hold me up. Which is to say, if my assessment is correct, I'm not flexible enough to do this thing. Reducing my potential OTWC (On The Water Cool(tm)) factor a bit and that's disappointing. One way to get flexible, or at least the one that pretty much everyone recommends, is Yoga (their capitalization, not mine). I'd rather have my OTWC go to 0 and drown than go to another Yoga class or even watch another Yoga video.

Look, who decided this Yoga crap had to be all about calm and stuff? It's damned annoying. The classes I've been to are all pretty much the same. You go into a basically and drab empty room. Sometimes there's some incense or whatever burning that, admittedly, has a not unpleasant odor. There's some ching-chingy type music playing. The students are sort of hushed in their conversation. Then you bend yourself into various positions of discomfort and at the end you take a short nap. The instructor does some hands-together thing and says some word that begins with an N and everyone get's up and quietly files out. It sucks my will to live.

Why not have a yoga room that isn't so empty and bland? Like have posters on the wall. Of awesome yoga dudes doing awesome yoga things? With explosions and stuff behind them! And maybe just open the damned windows instead of that incense crap. I'm inside most of the day for work. Why would anyone think a smokey inside would be a good thing? Right, so the ching-chingy music just has to stop. I'm not certain but I think I read they use it at Guantanamo. This is a delicate subject of course, music being such a personal thing. But maybe a little Metallica. I can imagine others would object to that choice and I'm (trying to be) flexible here so whatever really. But not the ching-chingy crap. Oh and if I want to take a nap sometime during the day would you mind terribly if I did it like most others? Drink a couple beers for lunch and nod off at work. When Yoga stretchy time is over I just want to get the hell out. I'm there to get flexible so I can maximize my OTWC factor, not lay on a too thin pad with overly quiet strangers trying to nap without a drink.

I'm really not sure that I'm ever going to get this balance brace thing though.